Don’t Settle for the Illusion of Sexuality

There is the illusion of sexuality, and then there is sexuality itself. By illusion, I mean things like pole-dancing for “exercise,” or the endless sea of what I tend to call “stripper shoes,” shoes you are supposed to wear in a boardroom that look like they belong on an exotic dancer bending for tips.

Of course there is nothing wrong with pole dancercise or those shoes if those are things that make you more in touch with the sensual side of yourself, but they rarely are really for that purpose. Instead they’re an outward sexuality, the appearance of sexuality. They are not really about sensation, as few things are more uncomfortable than the modern-day binding of feet. There aren’t many women who are naturally graceful or inherently strong enough to artfully swing from a pole.

They’re external cues of sexuality, ways of saying “look at me, judge me to be sexy,” but they’re not owning your sexuality. They’re about handing it off, not internalizing it.

Take professional exotic dancers. Their livelihood depends upon providing a believable sense of sexuality to the patrons, but do you really think they’re aroused by what they do? I imagine most are thinking about the dishes they’ll have when they get home, about how long until their next break. The sexuality they exude is not for them, it’s for the customers who pay them specifically for the illusion.

Genuine sexuality, though, is entirely personal, and is completely internal. It’s not about postures or props, it’s about understanding who you are, what you like, what you’re willing to try and what is not for you. It’s not the pole-dancing class; it’s the reason behind why you’re taking that class in the first place. Is it for you? Or is it to convey a certain idea of you?

 

 

 

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